JESSICA'S DIARY

FRIDAY 13TH OCTOBER 2008.

10:00PM....

'This is my last time I will write in my diary. By now it will be clear of all I have experienced and been through. I question about how many times I could hope and kid myself of ever getting Matt Steely to like me, we're in our last term of school and still he barley notices me. What is it that other girls have that I don't? Laura told me the other day that I was a 'blond bombshell', and not to try to hard. Well, they are not queuing up mate. My mom and dad tell me to stop being silly and to grow up. 'More fish in the sea' and all that talk that doesn't stop you from crying into your pillow every night. I read over my past experiences in this little pink book that has kept me sane. I try to lie to myself, 'Maybe it's time of the month, your feeling vulnerable?' No. I can feel them all laughing at me, still even Matt. Oh Matt, can't you see that we were meant to be? Why did you not answer all of my letters? I walk past your house every day. I even know what time you go to sleep. I want you to be my first Matt, please please...I love you.

How stupid am I really? Jessica Brandon you are a smuck! Not any more am I...Matt? You drove me to do this didn't you? I can't write anymore, how can I record what I've done? How would this Diary read in court?

Oh, silly girl Jessica Brandon had a crush on a lad in her school, and through sheer desperation killed him. Yes, killed him. If I can't have him, then nobody can. I've always been strong for a girl and pushed him in the woodwork cupboard, I tried to kiss him but he pushed me away. I just reacted and reached for the nearest thing...a clamp. I clamped his skull, hard. I just stood there horrified at what I'd just done, like I watched someone else do it. I clamped him again and again until I was covered in his blood. The funny thing is...I felt better for it. Like my true self was in flight. I know this may read like utter madness but I trust you blogger readers. That's why I'm going to do the same to my mom and dad, when I close this diary for the very last time...

SUICIDE...

So, your in that horrible place that continues to rape the fucking life from you. Nobody truly understands this pain but you. They possibly can't. You are all alone and hate the very reflection of the emptiness that you have become. You fail to see a way out from this hole, it's endless. You fail to see that you are a success, because it was your fathers sperm that fertilized the egg. You conquered the uterus. You made it out against all the other sperm cells and came first. You love your family but choose to turn to a razor blade, or a noose for reasoning. You search for uncovered answers that may complete your puzzle. You fail to recognize that with your last breath, your parents have failed all this time. You are out of it, but your families just began. You create your own ending, so others have their beginnings. Fuck it anyway, you have been there all along, only you. You assess and ponder, watching the rain watching you right back through a gloomy pane. You have thought long and hard, and know whats right in your heart of hearts. You feel ready now don't you? Psyched up, no one knows whats coming, you will show them. It's time.